Do you find yourself dancing back and forth and doing a “they love me….they love me not” kinda thing, obsessing over that latest Instagram like, or that out-of-the-blue “Hi?” and are you constantly questioning “what is this even about?!”
And just when you think they’ve gone for good – you’ve reached a decision in your mind, that this thing, if you can even call it a thing, is definitely not a thing, after all! …They pop up again!
Before you know it you’re back to wondering whether you mean something to someone and how much. Or if you’ve done something wrong when you get silence, or whether you’re being too “needy”?! Maybe this is what’s normal these days? Maybe you’re meant to play it “cool”?
Until one day, you finally get it. It (what was IT anyway) is well and truly over! You’ve ignored the ones who liked you, in favor of being strung along and veryyyyyy slowly faded out… Fading is the new ghosting by the way! Another term for the age old story of game playing and getting mind F’d!
Here’s the low-down on what’s really going on so you can keep up with the dating trends and you can stop obsessively thinking that it’s you:
Benching: When someone you’re dating slowly phases you out until one day you suddenly find yourself single! You’ll be kept in limbo and given false hope because you’re not completely off the team. They’re still into you and have put you on hold “just incase”. It’s like slow death dumping!
Bread-crumbing: when you’re being led on, just enough to keep you thinking they’re interested, but not enough to make you know they are committed! “Bread-crumbs” can be random low-key flirty, texts, Facebook/Instagram likes, Snapchats etc. They keep the whole interaction going but don’t offer any follow-through, sometimes not even dates!
Cushioning: You’re just an option. They think you’re great, no complaints, but they also have other options that could be better. All it costs to keep you as “back-up” is random texts and likes here and there. Incase it doesn’t workout with option A they have a “cushion” to fall-back on with you! **This is where I’ll point out that that is also what YOU are probably doing to someone else–whether you realize it or not.
“Every movie we see, every story we’re told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule…but sometimes we’re so focused on finding our happy ending, we don’t learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don’t, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave” – He’s Just Not That Into You (Movie)
If someone is going to pop up on your phone intermittently, will they really wake-up one day, realize your true value and confess their undying love for you?!
When you’re in this “waiting for love to happen to me” mindset, you’re giving other people control of your love-life and how you’re treated, and doubting yourself. You’re chasing after something that is full of empty meaning, mistaking it for something that has the potential to turn into something real.
All your energy goes into putting so much importance into the wondering, guessing, and the hard leg-work of keeping all those half-assed interactions going.
The other person either isn’t emotionally available, actually available or into you enough. They can be the nicest person but it doesn’t change the fact they aren’t available to give you what you want. Someone who is, will show up and will be consistent.
You’re capable of having what you want in your love-life! Commitment, emotional availability, and someone who values and appreciates you. You don’t have to doubt yourself if a situation has you holding on for dear life to that kissing emoji or that instagram like! You don’t have to take part in the games if you TRULY want something real and committed, but you have to take responsibility for the part you play.
Don’t let any treatment sway your self-worth, and have you torturing yourself in wondering what you did wrong!
No matter the latest trends, some things remain classic! Classics are always simple and straight-forward and dependable. If someone likes you it won’t be this guessing game, and they will give you quality (time, attention and communication).
Keep your love-life standards luxury, if you find yourself being strung along, being kept as an option or “benched”, I’d say ghost him, BLOCK HIM, cut yourself loose and walk away!
Make space for someone who doesn’t makes your life better and who doesn’t make you crazy.